Look at the blog, Larry. Just look at that blog.

This is gonna be about Band-Aids. It's pretty great.

Archive for the ‘Week 6: Time’ Category

#26. My apologies to Ving Rhames. And any other peripheral Rhameses. I’m just really, really sorry.

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I’m trying to make this another ‘art-heavy, less-talky’ kind ‘o’ post. So here’s to me keeping the word count on the short side.

Alright, how many of you have seen Pulp Fiction?

Really?

That many?

Wow. more than I figured. Anywho, since you’ve all seen it, you know that the movie plays with time pretty frequently, to the point where we (the viewer) are switching around to points where certain people are alive, and then BLAMMO they’ve been murdered but then BLAMMO suddenly we’re back in the past and everything’s cool bananas again.

Now, one of the key ingredients in all three of the main stories in Pulp Fiction is the cool-as-a-cucumber-if-slightly-bulky-at-times presence of Ving Rhames’ character, Marcellus Wallace.

AND, at one point, Wallace has a magic Band-Aid on the back of his head. It’s never explained. Some theories say it’s covering the hole where his soul was extracted, and the suitcase that Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta are shlepping around actually contains the soul in question.

I don’t know for sure.

But what I do know is that there’s a magic Band-Aid that plays with time in films. And I tried to draw it.

Now, I’m not really what you’d call a… “talented” artist, but I gave it my best. I even tried some shading, and added in the blurry background Bruce Willis. I’m not sure how you draw blurry-ness, so I just used a combination of squigglies and other sqigglies.

Here’s the real deal:

In all his stocky glory.

And here’s my version. Enjoy.

In all of his crudely-drawn, still-a-little-stocky glory.

Written by mandudeman

March 22, 2011 at 6:16 am

Posted in Week 6: Time

25. How ’bout a little more basketbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

-al.

Basketball.

So there was this nifty thingamabob called the CAA tournament last weekend. You might have heard of it.

Maybe.

And in the first game, not only did

A: Jamie Skeen win the game for VCU at the last second with a spinning layup (I may have looked up that term online. Just maybe).

but also

B: I tore a big chunk out of my finger playing keyboards in the pep band.

Because that’s how hard I rock. Or, something like that. Moving on.

 

Now the best part is that these two totally random occurrences both happened within like a minute of each other. So as soon as my brain starts thinking about the Band-Aid my finger’ll need, it also starts thinking about basketball. And wouldn’t you know it, those two ideas kinda fit together, as long as time’s a factor. Which it was. Speaking of which:

Boom. Shot clock.

Now, I really couldn’t tell you whether the clock was actually at 00:01 when VCU won the game, but I can tell you one thing- I really, really did not want to re-do that whole thing after it dawned on me that 00:01 might not have been the right amount of seconds. So it’s too late for that.

 

Also, I’m just now realizing that I never put an actual Band-Aid on the cut I had on my finger.

It’s pretty much healed by now. I feel kinda sheepish. Also I’d take a picture of it, but nobody wants to see real-life actually-gross wounds on here. Not even that one guy.

You know who I’m talking about.

 

Written by mandudeman

March 9, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Posted in Week 6: Time

Twenty-Four. Now THIS is Band-Aid Racing.

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So I was using that ‘we-learned-it-in-class’ technique for imagining other famous people/characters and what they would have to say about Band-Aids.

And obbbbbviously, since I have a… small man-crush on Jon Hamm (Mad Men. Please, please, PLEASE tell me you watch Mad Men), my mind leapt right to what Don Draper would say about Band-Aids in relation to time.

(Don Draper is the character played by the actor Jon Hamm. Just in case that wasn’t clear and you don’t know who the hell these people are).

I figured he’d say something along the lines of:

“The people who use Band-Aids are mothers. Caring older brothers and sisters. People who spend all day thinking about the safety of their loved ones. They don’t have the luxury of time, and they certainly don’t have any to waste thinking about Band-Aids. They need something that works fast and works well. Without fail. Otherwise, that’s one more thing to worry about.

And Band-Aids work faster and better than any other brand out there.”

Just imagine that’s being spoken in the dulcet tones of Jon Hamm’s sultry voice.

(Huuuuuuuge man-crush).

Anyway, it got me thinking, and I had me an idea.

I could run a race to see which brand of Band-Aids could be taken apart and stuck to something the fastest. What with time being the directive, and all.

And so the race begins. I ‘unno how to work the video setting on this camera I borrowed, so… pictures it is then. The rules are simple. Five bandages from each brand. I start the stopwatch, take each bandage out of the box one at a time, take off the paper and put it on my arm. Hit stopwatch, record time. Lather rinse repeat for each brand.

First up out of the gate is Nexcare Heavy Duty Flexible Fabric! (Crowd noise, light smattering of applause).

I couldn't find a third brand in the standard Band-Aid shape. I'd like to think the stylish purple box more than makes up for that, though.

On your marks, get set, GO

Clearly, the winner in this race was my arm.

Yipes. 1 minute, 25 seconds. The peel-apart section on the outer papery part (the rectangle holding the whole thing) has no instructions, so I had to fondle each end before I found where the thing pulled apart. Not great.

Ok, our next contender are the Kroger latex free Strong-Strip Bandages. Let’s see if they can beat what I assume is a mediocre performance by Nexcare.

 

Both of the other ones held thirty. This holds twenty. You'd think Kroger would go for the quantity over quality angle, but I guess they aren't backing either horse this time around.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready now GO GO GO

I really should have picked a part of my arm with less hair.

1:06. That ain’t too bad. Plus these little fellas came out of the box in sets of two, and each one had a brazillion little arrows pointing towards the peel-it-apart end. It’s like they read my mind.

And here it is. The heavyweight champ. The world leader. The Apollo Creed of Bandages.

Band-Aid Sport Strip. Now it’s definitely on.

'Sport' is in the title. There's no way this box won't win.

One potato. Two potato. Three potato. GO POTATO.

My arm hurts so fucking much.

Ok the potato countdown sounded a lot cooler in my head, but the name brand Band-Aids won by a whopping 12 seconds. Not only did the paper-y doodads peel apart easier, but so did the little plastic tabbies, and the bandages didn’t need to be smoothed out to make sure they stuck to my arm the right way (I’m looking at YOU, other two brands). It should be noted that I tore one of the paper thingies while pulling out the Band-Aid, but that’s not important.

And really, there’s more to these things than how fast I can put five of them on an arbitrary spot on my body. But when the week’s directive is ‘Effectiveness at healing a wound,’ or ‘Residual stickiness after a week’s worth of wear,’ then I’ll devote many a blog post to those categories.

Written by mandudeman

March 8, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Posted in Week 6: Time

#23. Yeeeeeee-haw.

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Alright so I wanted to do this post in the style of an old-timey snake oil-salesman hawkin’ his wares on the streetcorner. I’m really excited.

SO.

EXCITED.

The idea is that Band-Aids can be used as toys in a boring situation to kill time.

So bear with me gentle reader, as I bare my soul, and also imagine I’m dressed like this:

Oh, The Simpsons. My heart beats only for you.

Yeahhhhh there it is. Ok go.

Step right up folks, and sneak your peek at the stupendous sterilizing staying power of modern man’s most magnificent marvel! A medical miracle that’ll turn back the clock, turn up the music and turn your work-a-day life into a thing of the past! Men, mind your shirt collars, and ladies, keep an eye on those Sunday hats, because once you’ve laid eyes on the one-and-only, one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of the Band-Aid, your head’ll spin so fast it may come clean off!

What is it, you say? It’s the simplest thing in the world- you take two parts latex and one part cotton and you fit ’em together just so, and then you poke some air holes in the top here. That’s all. Nothin’ complicated. Nothin’ fancy. But don’t let the simple design of that patented professionalized prize-winning package fool you- one tiny misstep and you could face an infection that’ll knock your teeth straight in and knock your breath right out. That’s why I let the professional Band-Aid-ologists make mine for me. Always let the pros handle it, that’s what I always say.

Now, some of you out there aren’t so sure- you got some doubt, or you got some unease, or you got some of that hesitation, too- that stuff’ll get you every time. But say you’re a businessman stuck in a stuffed-up, hurry-up, boss-won’t-shut-up meeting, or a hearty young student in one of this great nation’s fine universities, who unfortunately is stuck in a classroom where time stands still, even if the professor’s mouth never does? All you do is reach for that hearty, home-made, hand-quilted cotton-and-latex friend deep down next to the lint in your pocket, and blammo- you’ve got yourself a product with a million and one uses. Stick it over used gum for that underside-of-the-table clean feeling, stick two together for a cheap-‘n’-easy chinese fingertrap, stick ’em on that patch you missed shaving and yank hard- you’ll look like a million bucks all day. You can even try your luck and go for the old “Band-Aid over the mouth” trick on the fella who’s droning on while you’re drooling all over your desk, if you be sure to play it reeeeeeal careful-like.

And in that Band-Aid-ified bonanza you blew right through the boredom of that dullest of dull meetings!

Because no matter how much time you take up tearing the trappings off that Band-Aid, you make it up and then some with its infinite uses for killing time, wasting time, passing time, and now it’s time to try your luck and buy a box- only $14.99 for a limited time only!

Yeah, I charge steep prices. Sue me.

Written by mandudeman

March 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Posted in Week 6: Time

#22. It’s Band-Aid Time. (You know. Like this week’s directive. Time).

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Ohhhhh man. Whooooaaaaa momma. Hooooooly mackerel.  I’m not feeling so funderful (fun + wonderful), my gentle, loving bloggies.

For that is what I’m calling you now. Bloggies. Even though it conjures up a mental image somewhere between the monsters from Critters and the monsters from Gremlins.

Dearest bloggies, how abso-fuckin’-lutely unbelieveable is it that this week’s directive is time? Craaaaazy, huh.

Because guess what I haven’t any of for the past two weeks.

Yeah, you guessed it. It was time. And at the epicenter of my time-quake is a big ol’ blogful of Band-Aids. Granted, five posts a week isn’t thaaaaat much. I actually feel like I’m starting to get the hang of it. But then you factor in other classes (specifically you, POLI-SCI 365-701. I won’t miss you. Not now. Not ever. Thanks for all those papers I’ve been writing). Factor in Honors College extra-curricular stuff. Factor in my being in the VCU Pep Band- an entire weekend at the CAA Tournament trying to fix my broken equipment while everyone else just stands there, using their normal, functioning instruments. Also factor in trying to have a social life/getting a good night’s sleep.

And I’ve been trying to squeeze ’em all in. And guess which one gets pushed to the side every time?

That would be the sleep. And the fun part about 2 solid weeks of nausea-inducing, constant headache, why-don’t-my-legs-like-to-move-when-I-wake-up-in-the-morning sleep deprivation is that my brain, in its weakened state, assigns blame just about anywhere it can to distract me from how tired I am.

And sorry, Band-Aids, but the blame seems like it’s fallin’ squarely on your latexy-smooth shoulders.

FOR EXAMPLE

I don’t want to be writing this right now. I want to be asleep. But I’m making a promise to myself to parse out these blog entries for realsies this time. It angers me. I want to spend years in a top-secret research facility so that I can create the world’s first sentient Band-Aid, only to punch him right in his stupid sterilized fucking face.

And on that note, there’s the end of my No Time For Band-Aids Post. Didya like it? I didn’t. But my brain doesn’t like anything right now. Enjoy this photograph.

That's right, nothing says "I'm on hard drugs" like Kroger brand Ibuprofen

Did I mention that very little sleep makes me more susceptible to disease? Like colds and flus and strep throats. I probably should have mentioned that. It’s been a great couple of weeks.

Written by mandudeman

March 7, 2011 at 1:12 am

Posted in Week 6: Time