Look at the blog, Larry. Just look at that blog.

This is gonna be about Band-Aids. It's pretty great.

#50. But what about after…?

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So I’ve been thinking about Band-Aids in terms of ‘finish,’ and what keeps coming to mind is what happens to a Band-Aid after it’s been used. Obviously, a sane person would throw out said Band-Aid and never think about it again. But, considering that ‘sane person’ is just about the last thing anyone would use to describe someone who’s constantly thinking about Band-Aids, I think I have a little leeway here.

Alright, so my plan is as follows:

Brainstorm a brazillion possible uses for Band-Aids after they’ve already been worn. Alright ready three two one GO.

Remove the sterile cotton part, melt down the latex and re-form it into new Band-Aids (after it’s been thoroughly cleaned, of course).

Build a car that runs on disgusting, unwanted medical waste (like used Band-Aids!).

Leave them in the forest, and when a hungry, mischievous raccoon chokes on one, give it the Heimlich maneuver and be a national hero for saving indigenous wildlife.

Throw them in a landfill. (‘a brazillion possible uses.’ Nothing about ‘insightful, creative uses’ in there).

Tie them together to form some kind of Band-Aid whip, and then hunt down criminals under my new moniker: ‘The Great Bandino.’

Keep them in a pile outside my house and let them fester and become this fetid stench-ridden pile of sickness. Spend the rest of my life never being bothered by a Jehovah’s Witness ever again.

Wash them off and sell them in shady back-alley Band-Aid black market deals. Those poor chumps will never know they’re being ripped off.

Send them back to Johnson & Johnson and ask for a full refund, claiming that the box does not explicitly say ‘Serious infection can occur if Band-Aids are re-used on open wounds.’

Sue Johnson & Johnson when the previous idea backfires miserably.

Use old Band-Aids as food when Johnson & Johnson countersues and leaves me penniless and broken.

Cover a sheet of posterboard with used Band-Aids, attempt to sell it to The Metropolitan Museum of Art as something ‘daring and unique.’

Use it to heal opposite-world children who need used, disease-ridden health products when they scrape their knees.

Sell them to rival bandage companies, claiming that I can unlock the moneymaking secrets of their competitors’ products.

Put it in my hand and flash it in front of a dog so the dog thinks I’m holding a dog biscuit, then run around the house and have the dog chase me.

Put a 2-page ad in Nickelodeon Magazine for “Super Gross Extreme Awesome ‘Used’ Band-Aid Fun Pack.” Sit back and let the money roll in.


Written by mandudeman

May 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Posted in Week 13: Finish

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