Look at the blog, Larry. Just look at that blog.

This is gonna be about Band-Aids. It's pretty great.

#23. Yeeeeeee-haw.

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Alright so I wanted to do this post in the style of an old-timey snake oil-salesman hawkin’ his wares on the streetcorner. I’m really excited.

SO.

EXCITED.

The idea is that Band-Aids can be used as toys in a boring situation to kill time.

So bear with me gentle reader, as I bare my soul, and also imagine I’m dressed like this:

Oh, The Simpsons. My heart beats only for you.

Yeahhhhh there it is. Ok go.

Step right up folks, and sneak your peek at the stupendous sterilizing staying power of modern man’s most magnificent marvel! A medical miracle that’ll turn back the clock, turn up the music and turn your work-a-day life into a thing of the past! Men, mind your shirt collars, and ladies, keep an eye on those Sunday hats, because once you’ve laid eyes on the one-and-only, one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of the Band-Aid, your head’ll spin so fast it may come clean off!

What is it, you say? It’s the simplest thing in the world- you take two parts latex and one part cotton and you fit ’em together just so, and then you poke some air holes in the top here. That’s all. Nothin’ complicated. Nothin’ fancy. But don’t let the simple design of that patented professionalized prize-winning package fool you- one tiny misstep and you could face an infection that’ll knock your teeth straight in and knock your breath right out. That’s why I let the professional Band-Aid-ologists make mine for me. Always let the pros handle it, that’s what I always say.

Now, some of you out there aren’t so sure- you got some doubt, or you got some unease, or you got some of that hesitation, too- that stuff’ll get you every time. But say you’re a businessman stuck in a stuffed-up, hurry-up, boss-won’t-shut-up meeting, or a hearty young student in one of this great nation’s fine universities, who unfortunately is stuck in a classroom where time stands still, even if the professor’s mouth never does? All you do is reach for that hearty, home-made, hand-quilted cotton-and-latex friend deep down next to the lint in your pocket, and blammo- you’ve got yourself a product with a million and one uses. Stick it over used gum for that underside-of-the-table clean feeling, stick two together for a cheap-‘n’-easy chinese fingertrap, stick ’em on that patch you missed shaving and yank hard- you’ll look like a million bucks all day. You can even try your luck and go for the old “Band-Aid over the mouth” trick on the fella who’s droning on while you’re drooling all over your desk, if you be sure to play it reeeeeeal careful-like.

And in that Band-Aid-ified bonanza you blew right through the boredom of that dullest of dull meetings!

Because no matter how much time you take up tearing the trappings off that Band-Aid, you make it up and then some with its infinite uses for killing time, wasting time, passing time, and now it’s time to try your luck and buy a box- only $14.99 for a limited time only!

Yeah, I charge steep prices. Sue me.

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Written by mandudeman

March 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Posted in Week 6: Time

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