Look at the blog, Larry. Just look at that blog.

This is gonna be about Band-Aids. It's pretty great.

#11. A whole new chapter in blogging. Although, technically, you could consider every post a new chapter, in which case there’d be nothing new or different about this one. Except that it’s so long.

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Dear readers (I’m guessing there are… four… of you. That sounds about right), I’m about to commit a mortal sin.

Google Images.

Shocking, I know. But it’s a necessary evil.

Alright here ’tis. Image Googling “C-a-r-s B-a-n-d-A-i-d-s.”

And this is what I get.

 

I know. It’s not pretty. But we must look.

 

Do you know what the best part of this week’s directive is? Culture. That could be ANYTHING. And considering I stretch most of these directives waaaaaay past the point of logic or normal human reasoning, there’s really no limit to what I can do this week. Woo. So today, ‘culture’ is going to be how Hollywood films in our society are quickly losing what little artistic merit they had, leaving us with nothing but hollowed-out, marketing-driven, 2+ hour long excuses to print fun shapes onto Band-Aids.

Neat, huh?

I wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with that idea. Like, shouldn’t I focus on how great Band-Aids are? Because they are. They’re great. And yet, I came to this idea because I was upset. Upset because I like Pixar movies- I like ’em a whole lot. I like every single one. If, before a movie starts, I see a lamp stomping down a big ‘ole ‘I’ and then looking bashfully out at the audience,  I know it’s a movie I’ll wish I could keep watching long after it’s ended. Hell, I even looked up the lamp video on Youtube so I could pick out the right adjective (‘bashfully’ works pretty well, I think), and I got this fuzzy little feeling in my stomach. It was nice.

But what’s not nice? Cars. I may have said about a paragraph ago that I liked every Pixar movie, but GUESS WHAT- that was totally a lie. Cars sucks noodles (and by ‘sucks noodles,’ I really mean something much more profane). It’s actually not thaaaaat bad, but because Cars is a C+ or so movie breaking up an eleven-movie winning streak, it slowly snowballs down the bunny slope of my subconscious until it becomes an unholy evil with glowing silver orbs for eyes and crooked teeth speckled with bits of gore. Cars. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll drop to my knees and scream its name out into the fragile, motionless night if someone happens to mention it in casual conversation.

And now it’s gotten worse. Cars 2 is real. Cars 2 is coming out this summer. I had known about Cars 2 for a couple years, but kept it stuffed into a back corner of my mind to preserve my sanity. However, for the sake of this blog, I let all that go to hell and watched a trailer for it on Youtube. It hurt. So much. But acute psychological torture is the key to good blogging, or so I’m told, so I stayed with that video ’till the bitter end.

I feel as though I’m straying from my Band-Aid-y theme, so let’s un-digress, shall we? Fun fact- Did you know that Cars is a huuuuuuuge merchandising powerhouse for Disney? An anthropomorphic vehicle money-generating juggernaut?

It’s true, you know. About ten percent of all Disney merchandise sales have been Cars products since the movie was released in 2006. All the Mickey Mouse and Goofy and the 70+ years’ worth of movies that are practically ingrained into peoples’ childhoods… and that one movie where the crappy cars talk like Larry The Cable Guy gets a 10% share. A 10% share of a figure that usually hits around the thirty billion dollar mark. Crazy, huh. And it gets a little weirder- the movie itself is third from the bottom in terms of total money made at the box office, so if I had to guess, it’s that the designs are so generic that they can appeal to any kid, whether he/she has seen the movie or not. But that’s just me. Whatever the reason, those cars are everywhere- in our icepacks and our ceramic dishware and our LCD TVs with built in DVD players. And in our Band-Aids. So when I read that the head of Disney’s consumer products division is expecting “a record for merchandise sales” with Cars 2, I knew my mission- to drive down to Kroger and smush every box of Cars Band-Aids I could get my hands on, while I screamed and wept like a child and generally made as huge a scene as possible.

I didn’t do that, though. Even though it would have been AWESOME.

 

Oh, and here are some sources so that people (count ’em- four whole people) know I’m not just pulling those figures out of my ass.

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-06-02/disney-aims-to-double-merchandise-sales-mooney-says-update1-.html

http://www.brandweek.com/bw/content_display/news-and-features/licensing/e3i4fac3531390a953c3b16bee60faa18c4

http://www.the-numbers.com/movies/series/Pixar.php

 

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Written by mandudeman

February 21, 2011 at 7:43 am

Posted in Week 4: Culture

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