Look at the blog, Larry. Just look at that blog.

This is gonna be about Band-Aids. It's pretty great.

Archive for January 2011

POST. NUMBER. ONE. It’s go time, people.

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So… I was all prepared to write this after a long night of horrible awful exercise, and then describe all the pain and soreness and weary bleary tired feelings that I get from working out. ‘Cause, you know. Band-Aids. They’re great for that whole pain-injury-discomfort thing. And I’d be writing this little short story in a sweaty over-exerted heap on the floor of my apartment. I thought it was a prettttty cool idea.

But my exercise buddies all canceled, so I’m stuck writing this in bed. Totally fine, no pain whatsoever. It’s disappointing, really. So, rather than think up a new idea, I’ll just go into the details of last night’s exercise routine. I’ll relate it to Band-Aids at some point. Although I don’t actually think I have to do that if I’m writing about injury, or pain, or being stabbed in the face or being kidnapped and forced to wrestle a bear while slathered in honey or something. I think I’m getting off point here.

So last night was day (or night, I guess) two of INSANITY. Basically, it’s a brain-drainingly intense cardio workout that you do every day for 60 days. Considering I’ve never really exercised seriously in my life (the magic of a 20 year old male’s metabolism has kept me rail-thin but also rail-weak and rail-feeble), I figured it’d be neat to actually be in shape for once. Plus, I could just walk around shirtless all the time- ┬ápeople would inquire about how I got my fantastic, TV-quality abs, and every time I’d respond by shouting “INSANITY” at the top of my lungs with my face about three inches away from theirs. And that would be a totally legitimate response.

Well as it turns out Day 1 wasn’t the horror I was expecting. I made it just fine to the first little thirty-second ‘get a drink of water/catch your breath’ break, and even though everything after that was excruciating to the point where I wanted to scream, the fact that I lasted through that first bit gave my spirits quite the boost. So when I woke up the next morning with every muscle stiff and sore, I was determined to power through into Day 2 (I also plan on making my syntax a lot more exercise-y, so expect me to firm the buns and thighs of writer’s block and bulk out my creative goals to the max as this blog continues).

So… Day 2 was a little teensy bit different. Different in that I was gripped with horrible workout fatigue about 7 seconds into the warm-up. Aaaand it only got worse, to the point where I was moving about half the speed of everyone else and really over-using that thing (I’m pretty sure it’s a thing- I swear) where you grunt and the grunting helps push your body through whatever kind of fitness-y type activity you were trying to do. As I type this out, I’m overcome by how horrible this image is, especially considering the door to the gym was open… and the door is right next to Shafer (you know, that gym door on the little path that leads to the cafeteria). So for anyone who was just trying to get a late-night meal and was forced to hear UNH UNH UNH mingling with the strains of exercise-video soft rock, I’m truly, truly sorry. Also, I’m getting off-track again. BAND-AIDS. PAIN. There we go. Well, as the workout continued, I got to the point where I could actually see the sweat dripping down my eyes and onto the floor, but I powered through to the max and finished all of DAY TWO.

But when the exercise ends, the real fun begins. You know, the fun where I’ve become this barely functional half-person who sputters and wheezes in a thick winter coat worn over gym shorts and a t-shirt, meandering along the 20-minute walk from the gym to my place. It was snowing, too. Did I mention that? Snowing. So I end my evening by cooking dinner in an exhausted stupor while waiting for the snow to melt off the gym shorts that I’m still wearing for some reason, and then gorging on as much food as I can with no regard for silverware or the fact that I should let hot food cool before putting it in my mouth. All this before passing out in bed and disregarding the 100+ pages of reading I was supposed to do for a 9:30 class the next morning.

I woke up with burns on my tongue and a throbbing, aching pain that’s now spread through every inch of my body. I had to grit my teeth to make it up a flight of stairs. If only Johnson and Johnson would make a Band-Aid that could fix that.

HA. Band-Aids.

Written by mandudeman

January 28, 2011 at 6:26 am