So my first post was about collapsing after my first day of hardcore working out, and how there’s no Band-Aid in existence that can deal with that kind of exhaustion. Exercise is great. I love exercising. I’ve been doing very little of it lately. Yet, even as I sit back and contemplate the last Band-Aid-packed semester, I can see all the changes in my life that have come crashing into view over the last couple months.
I have a girlfriend now.
I’m going to Italy this summer.
I’m in film school.
I saw a horse this one time.
And with all of those achievements, I’m not that upset that what started as WORKOUT SEMESTER!!! GONNA GET IN SHAPE! didn’t really end that way. I mean, I’ve started working out again. Just a little bit though- enough to even out the junk food I eat, but nothing really beyond that. I’m okay with things being like that. And even though I despised most of my classes, the end results are clearly worth the struggles I had to… struggle… through.
I like the idea, though, of beginning with exercise and ending with exercise. Like a great man once said, this is “sort of like poetry, they rhyme, every stanza kind of rhymes with the last one.”
This isn’t going to be a super long post. I really just wanted to reflect on what I’ve gone through at the finish line of this semester.
Oh, and one last thing.
I never, never, NEVER want to see another Band-Aid as long as I live.
But seriously, though. I knew this would happen. I have ten minutes left before the deadline, and a handy care-package of the last four posts I’ve been working on all morning, and everything’s ready to drop at precisely 11:57.
But I need one more post.
And I got nothin’.
I feel like I should be angry at myself for this. I promised myself I wouldn’t completely fuck this up procrastination-wise and have to do everything at the last minute. You’d think that anger would be coursing through my veins right now and I’d be this (puts hands really close together to signify that ‘this’ is a very very small measurement) close to screaming like some kind incredible hulk and throwing my computer out the window.
I’m not really that upset, though. Which is weird. Ignore the dammit dammit dammit part in the title- it’s like a ‘holy crap no time’ dammit rather than a ‘why am I such an IDIOT’ dammit. And even though I’ve been churning out a ton of posts here at the endgame, I still feel like I put a whole bunch of effort into ’em. Maybe…. maybe not the Simpsons one. I just needed a break from blogging and figured I could kill two birds with one stone (Watch TV/Do homework at same time. You know the deal).
What’s weird, though, is that I knew, somehow, even though I promised I wouldn’t do this, that everything would come down to the last minute. So, I wrote out my very last ‘conclusions’ blog in advance, so that everything would have a finite cap on it even if I struggle through my procrastination-laden nature. So technically, this is my last blog post. Which feels reaaaally weird. Like, as I write a blog about struggling through Band-Aids and procrastinating even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, I can feel myself starting to relax. I feel relieved. I know, that even as I write about procrastination and screwing up, that I’m already at 335 words at this point, and everything’s basically set. So now I’ve got this weird combination of relief and anxiety in my brain. It feels super weird.
And you know what? At that, I think I’m done. So even though there’s one more post to go, this is, technically, the last thing I’ll ever write for this blog.
Alright so this post should be fairly straightforward- I want the pictures to speak louder than words on this particular day. All you really need to know is that I wanted to show a box of Band-Aids from the perspective of the Band-Aids inside, and the gathering loneliness as the number dwindles down to one lowly bandage.
That is all.
Would it surprise you if I said I was actually really good at origami?
It would surprise me.
I used to do it all the time when I was but a lad. Cranes, ladybugs, boxes, you name it. I origami’d all the origami you could shake a finely crafted paper stick at. And then I remembered the very first day we learned about Project 54. That guy who made all the skulls. Secretly (okay, not so secretly), I hate him, considering that it was his skulls that led me down this point of no return. This point of no Band-Aid-shaped return.
But I remembered he made a papercraft skull. And he printed out the pattern and a whole bunch of people made it. My origami days came back to me. I knew what I had to do.
So I made a terrible, awful Band-Aid out of paper. It was huge, and uneven, and horrible, and it made me cry. I used printer paper, ‘cuz that was all I could find, and it was thick and clunky and I hate it.
So I tried again. This time it actually came out okay. I learned from my mistakes. Folded right where before I had only folded wrong. This time, my creation looks like a Band-Aid. it’s still printer paper. It’s still… not great. The important thing is, now I know that, in a dire situation, I can totally make my own giant useless printer-paper Band-Aids in less than eight minutes. It’s an important skill.
I will end this on two points.
Point #1. I forgot how much fun this is and I’m totally going to go out and buy a ‘baby’s first origami’ book so I can re-learn some of this stuff.
Point #2. I forgot to show you my paper Band-Aids. Here they are, in all of their majestic wonderment.
So I’ve been thinking about Band-Aids in terms of ‘finish,’ and what keeps coming to mind is what happens to a Band-Aid after it’s been used. Obviously, a sane person would throw out said Band-Aid and never think about it again. But, considering that ‘sane person’ is just about the last thing anyone would use to describe someone who’s constantly thinking about Band-Aids, I think I have a little leeway here.
Alright, so my plan is as follows:
Brainstorm a brazillion possible uses for Band-Aids after they’ve already been worn. Alright ready three two one GO.
Remove the sterile cotton part, melt down the latex and re-form it into new Band-Aids (after it’s been thoroughly cleaned, of course).
Build a car that runs on disgusting, unwanted medical waste (like used Band-Aids!).
Leave them in the forest, and when a hungry, mischievous raccoon chokes on one, give it the Heimlich maneuver and be a national hero for saving indigenous wildlife.
Throw them in a landfill. (‘a brazillion possible uses.’ Nothing about ‘insightful, creative uses’ in there).
Tie them together to form some kind of Band-Aid whip, and then hunt down criminals under my new moniker: ‘The Great Bandino.’
Keep them in a pile outside my house and let them fester and become this fetid stench-ridden pile of sickness. Spend the rest of my life never being bothered by a Jehovah’s Witness ever again.
Wash them off and sell them in shady back-alley Band-Aid black market deals. Those poor chumps will never know they’re being ripped off.
Send them back to Johnson & Johnson and ask for a full refund, claiming that the box does not explicitly say ‘Serious infection can occur if Band-Aids are re-used on open wounds.’
Sue Johnson & Johnson when the previous idea backfires miserably.
Use old Band-Aids as food when Johnson & Johnson countersues and leaves me penniless and broken.
Cover a sheet of posterboard with used Band-Aids, attempt to sell it to The Metropolitan Museum of Art as something ‘daring and unique.’
Use it to heal opposite-world children who need used, disease-ridden health products when they scrape their knees.
Sell them to rival bandage companies, claiming that I can unlock the moneymaking secrets of their competitors’ products.
Put it in my hand and flash it in front of a dog so the dog thinks I’m holding a dog biscuit, then run around the house and have the dog chase me.
Put a 2-page ad in Nickelodeon Magazine for “Super Gross Extreme Awesome ‘Used’ Band-Aid Fun Pack.” Sit back and let the money roll in.
Alright, so here’s an idea.
I’m… going… to watch……………. The Simpsons.
TV inspires me. And besides, it’s not like The Simpsons hasn’t given back to society, right? The whole idea of a prime-time cartoon aimed at adults hadn’t been seen in years, and led to countless similar cartoon wunderkinds. Plus, the golden age of The Simpsons can boast one of the funniest, sharpest, most culturally-relevant and lightning-fast senses of humor of any television show. Ever.
At least, that’s my opinion on the matter. Philosophy books have been written about The Simpsons, putting the ideas of Sartre, Plato, and other schlubs into a Springfieldian context, so that complex philosophical ideas could be easily understood by the masses, and a bunch of authors could write about The Simpsons. Because, as far as I’m concerned, everyone loves The Simpsons. Everyone.
So here’s my plan. I am going to watch one of my personal favorites- ‘Bart the Lover,’ from season three.
The episode’s B-plot is that a swear jar is introduced to the Simpson household, and Homer has to adhere to it even as he suffers hilarious injury after hilarious injury. I am going to watch this episode. I am going to notate every wound any character suffers (because suffering… equals Band-Aids). At that point… well, I don’t really know, but I suppose I’ll do something. Something great.
2:39- Rod Flanders takes a paper airplane to the eyeball.
4:17- Principal Skinner’s ear is grazed by a yo-yo. It isn’t much, but still.
4:55- Random child is smacked in the head with a yo-yo.
Kind of a slapstick-free stretch here…. don’t worry. It’ll all work out in the end.
17:26- Homer is attacked by bees.
(See, I knew something would happen that was excruciatingly painful. It’s alllll about trust).
18:11- Homer breaks his thumb with a hammer.
18:16- Homer steps on a rusty nail.
Well, there it is. A play-by-play of everything in that particular Simpsons that could possibly be related to Band-Aids. This is about the time where I’d wrap everything up with a closing paragraph that explains the deeper meaning of what I just did. Honestly, though, I don’t think there’s too much hiding beneath the surface of this particular post. I really just wanted to watch the Simpsons in this blog.
And in that sense, I accomplished everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
Seriously, the cool titles are naught but a faded memory wafting away on the breeze of I-shouldn’t-have-waited-until-the-last-minute-to-do-all-these. But that’s not important. What is important is my thoughts on ‘finish.’
The first thing that popped into my head was, not surprisingly, not thinking about Band-Aids. Big shocker, I know. But what comes after Band-Aids? For me, at least, it’s film school. And right now, considering I’m not actually taking any film school classes yet (BRING ON NEXT SEMESTER! WOO!), what I’ve been doing is reading scripts online. You can totally do that now. There’s some section of IMDB that lets you read scripts. It’s great. I’ll read anything. and I mean that. Anything. Remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street? Check. Megamind? Check. That one movie where Samuel L. Jackson is a psycho cop who terrorizes the couple living next door to him? Oh, you better believe that’s a check. Even though two-thirds of that last script was just Samuel L. Jackson yelling obscene threats while brandishing gardening equipment.
But anyways, that’s what my mind turns to when I think ‘finish.’ And there has to be a way to tie Band-Aids into that somehow. In a sense, it’s like Band-Aids flow into screenplays. When one avenue ends, another opens up. And, as I wrote that last sentence, an idea struck me. Right in the face.
Print out the first pages of a bunch of screenplays. Stick them together with Band-Aids. Somehow… create art. Art from all of this. It’ll totally work.
So, I put ’em up on the wall….
That didn’t really do anything for me.
But then I had an idea… what if the scripts were in an arrow… an arrow pointing to my future?
That’s preeeeettty good, but it’s not great. Also, the arrow is, coincidentally, pointing to my bathroom as well.
I probably didn’t need to mention that, actually. But the important thing is, I had a real idea this time. These scripts are helping me climb my way out of Band-Aids and into film school. As I finish with Band-Aids, I’m using a combination of screenplay and Band-Aid to rise to new, never-before-seen heights.
Sounds good, no?